


Tales From The Cleaning Crew

by Ruthawen



Category: Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter - Laurell K. Hamilton
Genre: Gen, Implied violence in the vaguest of senses, because cleaning is dangerous business, so vague it doesn't really count
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 18:36:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4971892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruthawen/pseuds/Ruthawen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The main characters always go about their business, expecting groceries in the fridge, clean sheets on the bed, bloodstains and bodily fluids to be gone. They never do the cleaning though, so who does? A look at the behind the scenes (in)action in short drabbles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. More like The Circus of the Filthy

**Author's Note:**

> Ever wonder about the strife the cleaning crew goes through on a daily basis at Circus of the Damned?

So here I am. Cleaning up another of that woman's messes. I completely understand that sometimes sex can be really messy, but every damn time, and on silk to boot? I don't think Ms. Blake realizes just how hard it is to clean that stuff to Jean-Claude's standards. The man is more than fastidious, he's neurotic. What really sucks is that he demands they be cleaned after each instance and every other night otherwise. Silk sheets three times day sometimes and sometimes more, Good thing the man is rich. The laundry detergent bill is enough to give me a heart attack and I'm not the one spending money.  
  
Getting the sheets on my own twin bed can be annoying, never mind getting the sheets on a bed several sizes larger than should be allowed, several times a day, excuse me night. Thankfully I have help on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm trying to convince Asher to hire someone else to help me the rest of the week but he's a hard egg to crack. I think I liked Anita best when she was in New Mexico. I changed the sheets every other day and no ... unusual messes, that was practically a vacation.


	2. Danse Macabre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danse Macabre closes for the night/ day and someone has to clean up for tomorrow

People don't just realize how big Danse Macabre is until it's empty. There are six of us that close the place down, cleaning it from top to bottom every single day after closing. In the evening, when it nears time to open we come back and fix the place up for whatever entertainment is on the menu that night.

Joe has the unlucky duty of cleaning the bathrooms, we don't give him anymore than that because the bathrooms are torture enough.

Bobby has trash duty inside and outside, after all we gotta keep everything very presentable wouldn't want anyone thinking we're not civilized, debauchery does not mean dirty. One night, a couple months ago, a previous employee, Shawn something or other, decided that there was some trash out back but not enough of it to risk him going outside in the winter weather where he might get a little cold; he was fired, and now he has trouble finding work anywhere but fast food places. Amazing the influence vampires have now. Bobby isn't afraid of going outside, mostly because he heard what happened to Shawn I think.

Amelia and Zachary get the floors clean with every industrial strength cleaner on the market and few that aren't. You have to wonder what exactly is on the floor sometimes, then you start thinking about all the possibilities and decide otherwise; thinking can be detrimental to one's peace of mind sometimes.

Me and David, we pretty much just go around doing whatever odd job needs doing, which sometimes means changing a light bulb that can be reached only by the supernatural gift of flight, which none of us have. Usually my end of the job entails going back to the store room to re-stock the bar which is pretty much empty by the end of the night.

I learned quickly that I might be seeing vampires that didn't quite make it home in time. That actually happens more often than people think. It seems that the storage and janitor closets make wonderful little hidey-holes for your forgetful vampires. Joe found one sitting on a toilet once with it's pants down, not quite sure what it was doing there and none of us wish to think further on that. When a 'downed' vamp, as we like to call them, is found we usually end up stuffing them in the janitor's closet with whoever else we found passed out, it's one of those things you just get a sick pleasure out of. Of course we don't stuff our living customers in the closets, Jean-Claude would not enjoy that and we don't enjoy Jean-Claude when he's upset, which is why we have a cab company on call for the first two hours after closing. Jean-Claude has yet to say a thing about our stuffing the vamps into tight little spaces, we don't know if that's because the stuffed vamps haven't told him about the somewhat awkward positions we put them in or if he thinks its their just desserts for not getting home in time. Personally, I don't think he's found out just what we do with the vamps exactly, and for that I'm glad, I would be hesitant to say Jean-Claude would find it to be the same kind of humorous pleasure we do.

All in all the job's a pain sometimes but it pays well; my oldest graduated college, she's going to be lawyer and Jean-Claude is trying to get her to go to work for him. I hope she does, he's a good boss, even if he sticks you with crap jobs occasionally.

 

 


	3. The Moon's Full and the Place is Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who runs the Lunatic Cafe on the Full Moon?

You know what's great about this job? You work one, maybe two days a month and you get paid loads, no benefits, but hey you can't have everything.

All you gotta do is show up the day of the full moon and work the café, which sounds easier than it is, but still not bad considering. You gotta show enough alpha to not get pushed around but if you act too alpha You might get hurt... badly. It's an art form and one I've perfected. I'm just glad I'm not on the cleaning crew.

Lycanthropes normally are clean but when they're a mess, there's a mess. The last noteworthy mess involved the blood and guts of three guys who got into it over the last slice of pizza the day of the full moon. I'll tell you something, when shit like that goes down you learn to run, and hide and pray to god that the cologne you put on is suitable for masking the scent of yummy human fear. Thankfully the day after the full moon is quiet, everyone's half-asleep that day I've only ever had one mess and it involved Raina, ... I'd rather not talk about that please. 


	4. Plots within Crew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intended these to all be completely separate but this one ties into the second chapter a bit.

January 23, xxxx

It has taken me two long years to infiltrate this damnable vampire business. Some days I forget my mission and start to feel sympathy for the beasts but today is not one of those days. I refuse to let that happen.

I met both Asher, the blond haired scarred vampire, and Jean-Claude the public master of the city. In truth I wonder if Asher is the true master of St. Louis with Jean-Claude just playing the public, he's extraordinarily good at it, almost too good like it's practiced for the sole purpose of making vampires the “good guys” while those of us who believe in God's word and mission are made out to be these evil ignorant bastards. The ignorance of the public is shocking at times. Such blatant animals are allowed free roam of the city devouring it's populace, while my people, innocent humans are locked up in cells like criminals just for trying to make the public see what these animals are doing to us humans.

I was tasked with infiltrating the supposed headquarters of the vampires, the Circus of the Damned, three years ago. It took me a year just to accustom myself to the idea associating with these beasts, all while having to pretend to be friendly or tolerable at the minimum. Here I am today almost three years to the date, I've called my outside contact and let him know I've been hired to the cleaning crew of one of the businesses here in the Blood District. Danse Macabre its called.

Guilty Pleasures, The Laughing Corpse, Danse Macabre, not only are they animals but they're horribly unoriginal animals at that. I got onto the cleaning crew of Danse just tonight and from my understanding if I show promise I may be able to get promoted to the 'big house', the Circus. As it is I have access, restricted, to the private properties underneath and attached to the Circus including a temporary apartment if I so wish.

What little I've seen of the rest of the crew working with me I can tell that we're all humans and just possibly a couple of them would be amenable, or perhaps agreeable is the word I'm looking for, to humanities cause. Apparently they enjoy the subtle torture and humiliation of the creatures. I'll encourage that and slowly over the next span of time I hope to increase my influence with both the human and the non-human parts of the Vampire world. I'll burn them all to the ground if it's the last thing I do.

Bobby Hamlin


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So much for stand-alone. This one ties into the last chapter and in my head cannon is much further down the line, time wise

Housekeeping is not just for hotels. Rich, extravagant vampires often hire housekeepers. I am officially part of the Happy Maids of the supernatural.

Background checks are more intrusive. It's not just your history that's checked, they want to know who you spend time with, where you go; anything and everything about you. Can't have anyone from Humans First infiltrating the secret vampire den can we? Too bad that their checks aren't thorough enough. I got in didn't I? The sun's up; got a stake in my purse, liquid silver instead of insulin and Bobby is supposed to get me a gun to pick up outside of Danse. It all goes down today.


	6. Undead Dentistry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old vampires, old teeth, bad dentistry = booming business for the entrepreneur.

I am a dentist. Is it pretty? No. Do I like it? Not really. Did I like it more before the vampires decided to make me there personal dentist? Yeah, yeah I did.

Who would have thought that kindly staying open a little late one night for patient running late, would lead to me being open exclusively at night, servicing clientele that would rather suck my blood filled fingers than the provided flavored toothpaste. I've gotten good at filing teeth to a point or rather a sharper point and I've seen some really unique dental work too. You wouldn't believe what was used for fillings in the 1620's. I guess the silver lining here is that I'm a bit of a history nerd and seriously where are they going to go when you have a drill bit in their mouth? I can ask all the questions I want.

  
  



	7. The Vampire Assistant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Female obsessed young man + vampires = happy young man.

Oddly enough I don't get to see the night sky anymore. I spend more time out in the sun working for vampires than I did when I was unemployed and basking on my cousin's yacht. That's lie ... it more like the couch in my mom's basement but I can't tell the chicks that can I?

I also tend to 'meet' more chicks, very nice bennie. They should put that in the classifieds. "Work for the Circus of the Damned as Daytime security/ personal assistant and meet enough chicks to suit you until you shuffle off your mortal coil" or something like that, all old speaky like.

Vamps, they're awesome and just working for them totally gets me laid, Wouldn't mind hooking up with that one vamp that's supposed to have orgasmo bite or something, I heard it's a guy but heck, sounds good to me, I mean gotta try it at least once. That's what my mom always says, granted she was referring to vegetables, but it still applies right?


	8. Ve Vant To Clean Your Clothes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vampires want clean clothes. Vampires do not do laundry. Vampires have a liking for leather.

When I opened my dry cleaning business I expected the usual yuppies bringing their polo’s in to be cleaned and pressed. Instead I got vampires wanting their leather undergarments cleaned. Yes you heard right, undergarments, apparently it's a thing. Don't ask me, I don't want to know.

It's official now, I am St. Louis premier leather cleaner. Thanks to the vampires, everyone comes to me when their leather gets dirty, smelly or torn. I've thought about opening a chain of leather clothing stores around St. Louis and recommending my cleaner to customers in need.

“Welcome to Percy's Leathers. Buy anything you can imagine in leather, even underwear, and when it's dirty Percy's Cleaners!" Sounds good to me, slogan might need some work though. Time for a business loan.


	9. Dirty dirty couch

Have you ever had to clean blood out of upholstery? I have and more then once too.

It isn't easy and it's harder than it should be if your customer has eyesight better than yours. I didn't see anymore stain but the customer still sees it plain as day. As everyone knows that customer is always right, especially if you want to keep the exclusivity clause in the contract, and the blood in your veins. In the end it took three nights to get the chair clean to his standards, but only because some yahoo employee spilled their drink on it at the last minute. New rule: no food at work.


	10. Danse Some More?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another perspective of Danse Macabre

Cleaning a dance club; it sounds easy right? Wrong.

The club's three stories high and suffers from a dearth of trashcans. Apparently that means toss it on the floor. Drinks, food, clothes, you name it, on the floor. Time or two I've found used condoms and used tampons. Personally I'm not the sort for sex that consists of: remove object A insert object B, lather rinse repeat.

One good thing about the job, the hours. Flat rate pay so I can take as long as I want only thing; must be clean and free of persons by two hours before opening.

Some of my colleagues are odd to be sure, Bobby's awful shifty but he does his job and doesn't try to include me in his mutterings. 

Zach's a great help when we have to polish the floor, I run the machine and he goes ahead of my with the broom making sure my path is clear.

Joseph, i pity him, I think we all do, which is why we always let him just leave once he scrubs up the bathrooms, that place is nasty to say the least.

Last of all you got Maria and David, good people but Maria gets on my nerve, she's always waving around pictures of her hotshot lawyer daughter. Yes, your daughter's a lawyer we get it, let it go, please.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I've got, I'm calling it done here. I've always been interested in the 'background' people of books and movies, I want to see how the main characters lives influence and effect them.  
> If I ever get the inspiration I may try to write Bobby's story about infiltrating the vampires. Or if someone else wants to let me know, I'd love to see it play it out.


End file.
